Language

What is a language?

Right now, I notice three big walls in front of me. All of them are about languages, but in a peculiar way, those languages can either be three entirely different dimensions or part of the same feeling. Sorry for this, let me make myself clear.

The first language troubling me, of course, is Japanese. Either as a human, a student or a devoted friend, the way I affect the environment around me has changed in a way with which I cannot quite deal.

The second language is C. And not because I am getting compilation errors (I mean, I do get them, but they don't make me desperate about existence) but because I've been thinking about what a Computer Engineer wants from Life, what do I want and if C can really express anything.

The third language... is universal. I don't think it has a name. You know when you can talk to your best friend for thirty minutes and laugh only by looking? That's not everything but it's an example. In Japanese, similar to Portuguese, they call this "reading the atmosphere".

First of all, so that nobody reads this the wrong way., when I say Japanese is "complicated" I mean that the fact that I cannot use it makes my not-so-normal life complicated. I don't say it doesn't work: actually some expressions can only be conveyed in Japanese.

But the first wall may be the hardest to break so far. 

Japanese is one of those languages that you take your whole life to learn (unless you are not studying, working, don't like going out with your family or friends and sleep listening to language learning CD's). And unlike people think, is not because of kanji (the cute figures, as some people describe them). Actually, it's because you can strive enough to learn basic Japanese, but you can only get used to when and how and with which entonation can you use each expression. I'm taking it as a wall because... I mean, they know it is difficult for us to start a conversation in Japanese without being pretty stupid or a nuisance. In spite of that, few are the moments when somebody actually, positively puts me into the conversation. I have made some close friends and I thank their presence each and every day. But still, it seems my world in Japan doesn't get bigger. To a point which I don't even like walking alone on the streets, afraid I'll be stared at by Japanese people. Not even to the convenience store.

Wall number two is shorter.

I always had a problem deciding if my computer interest is stronger when about hardware or software. C language shows me a new way of making things happen in something I enjoyed exploring since I was 6. Problem is: what can people that type fastly do after graduation? (I'm not questioning only for complaining: I'd really like if somebody answered it. Not with "everything is going to be fine", but with real data.

Wall number three just drives me mad because I'm a Brazilian. I mean, we hug, we act like professional actors in action movies everyday, we express all feelings with maximum intensity... and here, you have to be moderate and cool. My senior once told me that "now that you are here, it's your chance to be whomever you wanted to be since the beginning. Start over!", but I may have fallen into the old trap. The more you try to think and change, the more you repeat. So right now, I don't know how much freedom I have with the people I know, when should I fake a smile or stay quiet and really say that I'm not okay, when should I show anger, or something like that.

I asked my teacher and friend's wife: "in Japan, is it possible to have a friend, a best friend, that knows everything about you?" and she inclined her head sideways, only to say "oh.. that's difficult here, isn't it".

Yeah. Maybe that's the final point. In university, right here, by my side, I need a Japanese friend with whom I can be myself and say anything. Without needing to have perfect Japanese. I need somebody who understands everything. Anything.